How Not to Communicate

Communication is a very important thing. For example, if you want a staff member to attend orientation, you should tell her about it before the summer begins. Except the place where I am working didn't, and I just found out two days beforehand. Relevant to this, today we had a workshop on communication. I am always skeptical about these kind of workshops—the theories are shaky at best and often ridiculous, or worse, just plain stupid. This particular theory was called 'Non-violent Communication'. It had two mascots of sorts—the giraffe and the jackal—that were used to symbol speaking kindly and violently respectively. The giraffe, it turns out, was chosen because it had the biggest heart proportionally to its body. Talk about non-scientific.

At one point in the workshop we were filling out a worksheet. The first question went:

Bill and Joe were in an ocean. A big wave splashes over them. Bill laughs because he needs ____________. Joe is crying and frightened because he needs ____________. We started to answer. Suggestions for Bill were 'thrill', 'excitement', etc. The presenter explains that we need to go into more deeper needs, and suggests 'stimulation'. OK... Next, Joe. Someone suggested 'his head above the water' and I laughed, agreeing. 'Air to breathe', 'not to drown' were other suggestions. The presenter is trying unsuccessfully to get people to suggest 'understanding' or 'appreciation', for some reason. Right.

My favorite question went like this:

Jack and Michael speak to their father about their problems and he gives them the same advice. Jack is thankful because he needs _________. Michael is annoyed because he needs ___________. Jack is thankful because he needs advice, I suggested, obviously. Other people suggested guidance and help. The presenter suggested 'support and nurturing'. Then we got to Michael. 'Individual attention', 'autonomy', 'recognition', the suggestions went. The presenter agreed, saying something ridiculously deep. I muttered quietly, "Michael is annoyed because he needs different advice." The person next to me laughed. Oh how complicated this presenter had made such simple things.

Now if this weren't enough, we had to practice phrasing sentences in the, "I feel ____ and ____ because I need ________" format. After half an hour of working with these emotion and needs cards to say things like, "I feel irritated and impatient because I need rest and relaxation" instead of "You are too loud" or, as a joke, "I feel stimulated and fulfilled because I need appreciation and nurturing" instead of "You're just like my mother", we began to make fun of each other and the program in the phrases. "How are you feeling?" "Hungry." "That must mean you're feeling pretty irritated and impatient." "What do you need?" "I need lunch." "So you're telling me you need growth, health, and safety?" Oh dear. I think someone would get strangled if they tried to communicate like this.


Sachi