Just in: Proven Way of Preventing Violence

My history teacher is strange. By strange I mean very, very strange. He once conducted a lesson on how river deltas are the result of rivers "pooping," because the water doesn't want to step in its own poop.I just thought I'd put that out there.
Today, during class, somebody started drumming on the desk. People don't do this very often in my history teacher's class (we'll call him Mr. LB), because Mr. LB is possibly better at getting mad than he is about making funny comments of the sort no other teacher would dream of making. He is even better at elevating his voice.

Today was no exception. Mr. LB shouted in a voice that must have disturbed the innocent English class next door: "Stop tapping on the table!"

"Sorry, I can't help it," responded a weak voice from the back of the room.

"Can't help it!" erupted my teacher.

"Well, I can, but I don't think about it."

Mr. LB calmed down completely and said very simply, "Tie a piece of tape around your finger." As if this solved everything, my teacher began to resume what he had been saying.

"What?" exclaimed the student.

"Tie a piece of tape around your finger," Mr. LB replied calmly.

"Why would I do that?"

"So that you don't tap on things."

The whole class was listening intently, and isolated laughter bounced around the room. It was hard not to laugh, looking at the student's face. Of course, Mr. LB thought what he was saying was completely normal, or at least acted like it.

"Did you just make that up right now?" asked the student, eager for an explanation.

"No," responded my teacher, holding out his hand. Being in the front row, I could see that he did, indeed, have a piece of tape tied around his finger. "I do it every day. It helps me keep from tapping on things. More importantly, it helps me prevent myself from hitting people over the head. Don't you ever wonder why this class isn't violent?"

"I thought coffee did that for you," mused a student, referencing a conversation that had  taken place months ago.

"It used to." He then shifted his attention back to the student who had been tapping, who was now sitting uneasily in his chair. "What are you waiting for?"

"I don't know..."

"You don't know." Mr. LB raised his voice for a second before returning to normal. "Oh, I don't think I have any good tape."

"Where's the bad tape?" asked the student, who was obviously interested in the idea.

"It's in the middle drawer of my desk."

The student crossed the room and sat down at Mr. LB's desk. "Which drawer?" he asked.

"Middle drawer," answered Mr. LB.

"Which middle drawer?" asked the student impatiently.

"The long middle drawer."

The student fumbled around for some time before he found the middle drawer.

"The long middle drawer. That's the short middle drawer."

"Oh." The student opened a drawer, and looked inside. "There's tape."

"Wasn't that the point?" asked Mr. LB, beginning to laugh.

"Yes, but I don't know what tape to use."

"Do you have a wart on your finger?" asked Mr. LB. The student, along with the rest of the class, was bewildered.

"No..."

"Then use the duct tape anyway." Mr. LB stated firmly as we watched the student remove a roll of duct tape and wrap it around his finger.

"Warts?" I asked, after a short silence.

"Yes," said Mr. LB. "Duct tape helps you remove warts." The class was horrified. I was sure everyone else had the same image in mind: ripping a wart off with duct tape.

Finally somebody spoke. "That's disgusting."

"The wart, or the removal of the wart?" asked Mr. LB. He clearly missed the point. "I don't think removing warts is disgusting."

"It is!" shouted somebody else. "When you do it with duct tape, anyway!"

"It's not like you rip the wart off," laughed Mr. LB, acting it out. "No, the adhesive in duct tape helps get rid of warts. Some chemical." The phrases "That makes sense," "Oh," and "Well that's different" rumbled through the class.

And all this because someone was drumming on his desk.

-Marianne